M. Doughty presents his insights into the 1995-96 season
of Beverly Hills 90210, in chronological order. - Part
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-01-17 23:52:48 EST
Oh, all the kids love Kelly's Impending Demise. As the
opening segment was rolling, when they were playing
scenes-from-last-week's episode, I was on the phone with my
dear friend Kerry, who shouted "Do It! Do It!" at the sound
of Kelly rolling up her Dad's check and bending to
Nice tie-ins this time around--Weird Crosseyed Claire and
Steve get busted speeding, and Susan witnesses that car
accident that sends her careening into a black and white
flashback. Death all around--Joe's gonna die! He's gonna
damn die, I tell you! There is some cosmic law to insure
that Donna will never get laid. And who is Brandon, the
World All-Powerful Comforter of woman? He soothes Susan at
the accident scene, and then moments later is comforting
Donna--who of course is well aware that Joe will be long
dead by the time she actually gets laid--in the Peach Pit.
Ah, Brandon, last of the Great Concerned Walshes.
If they want Colin to be the next Dylan, they're doing a
lousy job at it. Or, perhaps, he is. Really clumsy in that
screwing-in-the-limousine bit. I still think Valerie
deserves to bag him, though--I loved the part where she
assured him that no one actually gave a damn about him, the
reason they were all calling up worried about the Cocaine
Binge was Kelly, not him. "I'm the only one who cares about
you," she says. Meaningul Dylanesque Stare ensues.
This looks good. This looks very good. And, Good Lord,
how sluttish did she look when she went over to Colin's
house to stare at the ever-so strung out Kelly? If she has
to concede Bad Girl Status to Kelly, she at least can still
look like a Cheap Painted Trollop. Most engaging.
Indeed, there's excellent things brewing in the
Valerie-Kelly feud--now it's couple vs. couple, only David
hates Colin--did you watch when he threated to kick Colin's
ass if he gave his sister any more coke? It looked like he
ripped that badass look off from a Mobb Deep video--and
Valerie hates Kelly. And, of course Valerie plus Colin looms
in the near future. Which means a blissful 90210 crisis in
the near future.
Anyhow. We're taking bets on how long it takes for Kelly
to go all the way down into derelictdom and then come back
up. I would've said two episodes last week, but they showed
so little hope for her this week, that I'm thinking it'll
take at least four.
Quote of the week--Steve to Claire on the talk show; "I
don't know what I'd do if anything happened to that sweet
little brain of yours." After which Weird Crosseyed Claire
gripped his neck and glared at him a Weird Crosseyed
Now here is a woman I'd pay good money to see kick Colin
the Boring Art Guy's ass. Or David Silver's, for that
Subj: The Best of 90210
Date: 96-01-26 13:45:39 EST
So I blew off a coffee date with a woman that dumped me
five years ago and about whom I wrote half a million dopey
weep songs about, the better of which you've already heard,
for 90210. And what should I get but Tori with her hair
arranged into an awful plant-looking thing, reading from cue
It's always worth it to see old Brenda footage, though.
And I was pleasantly reminded of both the Claire and David
handcuff scenario, and Kelly's addiction to diet pills. But,
good lord, my beloved 90210 really is the last gasp of the
eighties, isn't it?
Date: 96-02-10 13:03:54 EST
I was forced to blow off my beloved 90210 this
week, so a pal taped it for me, and I don't have a VCR, so
I've been waiting to watch it. I'll have an update before
the weekend's through, I hope.
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-02-15 03:26:52 EST
We're living in a post-David-and-Valerie
Good Lord, this is deep and astonishing and sudden
I don't know whether to weep for Valerie or rejoice
for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, who no longer has to pretend her
ex-boyfriend--the actor that portrays the man that dumped
her--is her boyfriend, for a living.
What I do know is this is a totally predictable
pattern. Hmmm, Kelly's in the hospital, with an attendant
Brandon holding her hand, getting over her cocaine addiction
and the evils perpetrated upon her by the Eric Stoltz
character imported from Pulp Fiction? This couldn't mean
something really awful happens to Valerie, could it? Could
Of course it does. Because the Evil 90210 Writers
hate Valerie and love Kelly, showering her with love and
Interesting Dramatic Situations.
I'm upset about this Ginger, who seems to be Sidney
from Melrose stolen wholesale. Red hair, blackmailing ways
and all. I don't really think Valerie would actually choose
to hand David Silver's booty over to her rather than Fifty
Thousand Bucks. I think Val's hipper than that. Here again
is a Plot Twist taking precedence over realistic character
behavior. Pisses me off, but, ultimately, this is why I love
90210. Absolute illogic.
My own logic momentarily told me that the reason
David Silver dumped her is that he is aware on some
subconscious level that she's meant to be with me, and I
momentarily expected the credit sequence to be Valerie
stepping on a plane to Newark, then taking a car service
over to my house in Brooklyn. However, these thoughts
My, that David Silver. Wretched Valentine's love
poem that he read to Valerie--the line about their love
getting better with age like fine wine sent me into a tizzy
of joy and wonder--but what Manliness! The strong jawline,
the quiet and firm way in which he told Valerie he can't be
with her. He's like Dylan with a dash of Jimmy Stewart
aw-shucks-ness. Why, I remember, back in the day, scrawny
little David Silver with his video camera and, uh, what's
his name, you know, the kid that killed himself.
I didn't check to see who directed, but it looked
like another Jason Priestley joint--you can always tell by
the weird, self-conscious Film Student stuff. The way Kelly
and Colin's Drug Den is only shot on a tilted camera, and
that incredible sequence where Joe, just kicked off the
football team, lays in bed as a loop of a stadium announcer
shouts his name plays. The way the camera turns around
woozily and zooms in on him--utterly corny and amazing.
Jason Priestley is either a genius, or someone who'll end up
doing a Soul Coughing video.
Okay, am I wrong, or did Donna host a Valentine's
Day party called Sex Out 1996, promoting celibacy? These
writers again, man. They got Donna all wrong. I can't
believe Tori Spelling would allow her character to go
through such indignancies. That's rich. That's just too
much. Can you believe that? Wow.
However, I desperately covet one of those Sex Out
1996 t-shirts. Had I one, I would wear it onstage with Soul
Coughing forever. You think I'm joking.
What an enthralling episode--well, excepting all
the Steve and Weird Crosseyed Claire stuff, which has gotten
kinda tired. But it was almost balanced out by Susan's
punching her ex-boyfriend, then immediately massaging her
hand, and Brandon's awesome, deadpan, "Can I get you some
ice for that?" It's the best argument for Susan--generally
dull girl, she is--I've seen this season.
Such possibilities. Colin's outta there, right? Him
being the personification of Kelly's downfall and all. Which
means Kelly's open--I'm betting on an eventual Kelly-Brandon
rematch. Maybe not til the end of this season. A David
Silver-Kelly thing would be interesting, but just for the
stepkid-incest angle. He's too damn good for her. I doubt
that Valerie's gonna get him back--maybe she'll slide on
over to Colin's house and help him dispose of all the
cocaine that Kelly isn't using anymore. No?
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-02-28 22:19:40 EST
I'm not with this Colin and Valerie thing. I have
to say, I'm not with it at all. I know I spent a whole lot
of time whining about how Valerie deserves whoever she lays
her eyes upon, but I can't say I'm real comfortable with it.
He's less interesting even than Ray Pruitt.
It's a post David and Valerie world, and I have to
say I'm still moping about it.
Dull episode, with two exceptions--the Eric Stoltz
guy leaping out at Colin and waving the cocaine dispenser
under his nose was HILARIOUS--I swear to god I couldn't keep
myself from shrieking with delight. And David's comment to
the matching-motorcycle leather clad Clare and Steve that he
was driven crazy by the way Valerie looks and, uh, smells.
How funny is that?
I actually felt bad for Kelly as she wept, watching
Colin get arrested on television. But does she have to deal
with the consequences? Oh, no--this is now Valerie's gig. My
theory is ever-true; Kelly's troubles are thrown like so
much smeared mascara onto Valerie. Kelly leads the man into
doom, and Valerie's got to go scrounge up the bail
Clare and Steve bickering over motorcycle not
interesting. Brandon and Newspaper Girl at Newspaper Girl's
parents' house not interesting. Donna and Football Boy
Battling Disease and his ununderstanding brother not
interesting. David Silver not shown brooding nearly enough.
He really should look like he feels worse about
I sort of liked the first of the two Skiing Marys
on the last episode--but, of course, no new character to be
found there. This is all, I'm sure, Jenny Garth's damn
fault. Whatever happened to Lisa the Rose Queen? She was
awesome, with a sense of sarcasm reminiscent of the best of
Weird Crosseyed Clare. Clare is so dull these
I'm not pleased. However, I'm happy to tell you
that that woman I met at the Christmas Party last year, the
one who did occasional extra work on 90210, is auditioning
for an actual role. Perhaps this folder, in the future, will
be of a more influential nature.
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-03-14 13:19:09 EST
Getting into their cars outside the Peach Pit, the
ex-lovers bump into each other:
David Silver: You play with dirt, you get
Valerie Malone: Thanks for the fortune cookie,
So here's Valerie, cleaning up Kelly's
mess--putting up Colin's bail money, pining for Colin--and
he calls Kelly the moment he gets out of jail, wanting to
see her. I keep wondering if they'd do this to
Brenda--ultimately, that's who Valerie is, Brenda stripped
of her Walshhood. Are they punishing Valerie for everything
Brenda did in the National Enquirer, drunk with Marky Mark
at some posh Los Angeles boite?
Kelly, in the meantime, has; 1) entirely overcome
her addiction in the space of an episode 2) hooked up with a
handsome and goodhearted Doctor Boy 3) managed to gain the
undying affections of a runaway addict girl who follows her
around, bestowing affection on her, seemingly crying out,
"You're so normal! You're so attractive! You're everything
any girl would ever want to be!"
I shouldn't complain--this is probably a lot more
interesting for Tiffani-Amber Thiessen as an actress than if
her character, like Jennie Garth's, was being hosanna'd with
goodgirlness every three seconds.
But Colin's gonna skip out on Valerie's bail money,
and she's still gonna pay for his goddamn lawyer. It's a
crime, I tell you--in a just world, we would have
experienced a Very Special 90210 in which Kelly overdoses
and leaves our lives forever. But, Valerie is forever shut
out of the Upper Echelon--she can't sleep with Brandon, and
she's not a True Walsh. Hers is the lot of the Prime Time
Another Jason Priestley-produced epic here; he
completely astounds me. What a genius. The scene in which
Steve and Brandon coerce Nat into going out on the
triple-date, shot entirely with a hand-held camera, read
like a non-sequitur homage to Law and Order. And the dream
sequence, where Colin paces a lime-green, smoke-laden jail
cell, while reverbed voices yell out "Lonely Teardrops,
Boy!" was mind-blowing.
The homage to Roger Corman a few episodes back was
no accident. Jason Priestley understands exactly why I enjoy
his television program. But if he can turn every episode
into a Kitsch Explosion! I can't understand why he can't do
anything about damned Kelly.
In the words of unibrowed British Rock Lord Noel
Gallagher, someday we will find Jason Priestley, caught
beneath the landslide, in a very special Champagne Supernova
Awful Joe E. Tata subplot. I'm just not interested.
However, Brandon's befuddled-boyfriendness makes me insanely
happy. And Weird Crosseyed Clare just gets cooler by the
nanosecond--did you catch the sequence where she pimp-walked
through the lamp store with those plaid flares kept up with
a rhinestone studded belt, huge sunglasses on her crossed
eyes? I thought it was weird, on the season immediately
following The David and Donna Apocalypse, how suddenly Donna
and her minions dressed like indie rock girls--but this is
outrageous and amazing. Go, Clare, Go.
David Silver just looks confused these days. The
loss of Valerie has left him sexless, he just does that
weird White Man Soul Brother sway and befuddled stare thing
to no one. The part where he gave the newly-clean Kelly her
goldfish and admonished her not to feed them until they
died, though, was funny.
He seems so disconnected, though. The pressures of
New Dylanhood are wearing him down.
Donna's perm is a terrible mistake--and what sort
of humiliation is it for her to allow her invalid boyfriend
to let Clare feel the pacemaker imbedded in his chest? Donna
is least interesting when she has some boy to take care
of--the Sorrow of Donna has been absent from my 90210 life
I feel as if my television friends need my help.
I'm fed-exing them drugs as soon as I get the chance. A
little Kelly Deal subplot would be refreshing, wouldn't
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-05-08 21:20:52 EDT
I was on a plane from London, last week, as Tara,
clad in a blonde wig, pulling an Eve Harrington and trying
to turn herself into Kelly screamed "Friends Don't Lie!
Friends Don't Lie!" at the eternally wrinkle-nosed blonde.
Apparently no one loves me enough to turn their VCR on, so I
had to find this out in a snippet in the What Happened Last
Week pre-episode montage.
I knew that no amount of screeching and weeping
could bring last week's episode back, but I screeched and
wept anyway. And was rewarded with a dull, formula episode
even my crybaby ass didn't deserve.
What happened? Guess. She Of The Ample Mole-Flecked
Cheeks lost out to the Maddeningly Dull Wrinkle-Nosed
Blonde. Big Dumb Steve Sanders flexed his ego as Weird
Crosseyed Claire rolled her Weird Crosseyed eyes. There was
an interminable subplot of Susan and Brandon
bickering--really, this whole ersatz Tracy-Hepburn shtick is
beyond over. And Tori Spelling showed up in a completely
horrifying hairdo--this time, some misbegotten blonde take
on Bone Thugz-n-Harmony.
Well, okay, so Tori's hair was genuinely amusing.
But Colin jumping all that bail Valerie put up to run back
to Kelly? Please. Kelly'll have to get run over repeatedly
to make up for the pain Valerie's gone through. Though the
one moment I jumped up and yelled "Yes!" was when Our
Beloved Chipmunk Valerie told Kelly on the phone that Colin
didn't want to speak to her before he went to jail--Oh! The
way that evil smirk spread out across the awesome fleshy
rolls of her face!--I knew in my heart of hearts that the
reason Colin was hang-up-calling Kelly every three seconds
wasn't to politely ask her to front Val some dough for new
candelabras at the Peach Pit After Dark.
I'm liking the way David Silver keeps staring
longingly at Donna. Maybe there's a future in this--if they
got back together, maybe Shannen Doherty would come back,
maybe Andrea's talk show would get revived too. Then again,
in the whole Glamourous Record Company Party Sequence they
must've namedropped MCA half a dozen times--what, did MCA
pay for a little product placement? They mentioned no bands,
only the label--and that's the label that the Glitzy Record
Company Dame that David left Donna for, immediately after
jamming with Babyface, worked for. So who knows? This much I
can tell you--he's not going back to Valerie. Oh, no. That
might actually involve happiness for the girl. They can't
At this point, I'm debating asking my
bandmates--who have already crossed the line from mild
annoyance to total stunned bewilderment over my constant
9021o-isms--if we might insert a JUSTICE FOR VALERIE
postcard into the CD package. Who knows? Maybe Darren Star's
a fair man. Maybe he'll listen to the Voice of the
Ray Pruitt's coming back next week, but I hate the
man, so I'm not that interested. He does look more like
G-Love every day, though, doesn't he? Maybe Joe'll finally
die, too. Maybe the Mercy of Darren Star will let him take
Susan and Colin off to the Promised Land with
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-05-15 21:35:55 EDT
There's a few reasons I can't disrespect Ray
Pruitt, Donna's wife-beating, guitar-playing,
shlock-slinging Sub-Dylan of an ex-boyfriend, who returned
this week for a Peach Pit After Dark engagement:
1. His new fiancee, when viewed in profile,
slightly resembles Shannen Doherty. This means Ray hasn't
lost his sense of history. Smart man, Ray. He also appears
to have redeemed himself, and does not seem to be abusing
her. I am relieved that the 90210 powers have enough respect
to not allow the Shannen quasi-lookalike to get beat up by
last season's Dylan wanna-be.
2. Ray Pruitt's astoundingly bad sensitive singer
songwriter video, complete with rain-reflective windows and
a floral-skirted girlfriend figure, appeared last night on
Beavis and Butthead. I have myself appeared on Beavis and
Butthead. This is a bond deeper than blood.
3. I may have once decried Ray as the least
interesting second-string boyfriend character on the show,
but in these days of Jerkoff Colin and Annoyingly Sensitive
Joe, oh what a blessing his regular presence would
I'd add Donna Has Absolved Him Of His Sins to that
list, but that's a given, isn't it? Who doesn't Donna
forgive? Even David Silver--who preferred his
methamphetamine to her on the one time in the history of the
show Donna ever offered her Full Donna Love Stuff to
anyone--rode around in a jeep, looking manly, with Donna,
for half the episode.
There's a happy ending to this--Joe the football
playing drone is leaving! Oh, how that awful goodbye scene
on the beach filled me with joy! Of course Donna isn't gonna
follow him to Beaver Falls to watch him coach high school
football--nor does she completely ream him for abandoning
her. The ultimate reason; "I can't leave my friends," Donna
That's right, Donna. The 90210 Pantheon needs you.
And your father will find you a new boy to not have sex
with, next season. No disrespect to Her Donnaness, though; I
kinda wish they had gone the full nine and just killed the
guy. They woulda done it for Brenda.
I don't even know how to address the Kelly-Valerie
stuff. I'm numb to it. I guess I'm resentful of Valerie for
even giving a damn about Colin. There she sits, listening
over the speakerphone, as Colin tells Kelly he needs her. Of
course. Of course. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell
Given the high stakes, it was disappointing for a
catty exchange. Maybe I'm just sick of watching She Of The
Mighty Jowls get slapped around.
You know, all that stuff at the top of the episode,
the Snappy Banter as Brandon and the neck-braced Steve
watched "Vega$" was actually comical. Well, it wasn't really
that comical, but it didn't make me cringe. Maybe I was just
happy to watch Clare's Big Ol Crosseyes roll around in
disgust. Maybe I was just happy that Boring Boring Susan
left for D.C. in the first moments of the episode, so I
didn't have to worry about her turning up again.
Besides, Brandon had to mediate the Official Kelly
and Valerie In Cahoots Trying To Nail Colin For Jumping
Sentencing business. You need a Walsh for that. They woulda
sent Andrea away, too.
So it seems that, just as the season seemed to be
sagging at the end, just as my friend Rich's cruel remarks
("90210? Dude, that's SO two years ago.") seemed to be
making inroads on me, they're cleaning up their act. Colin
is gone the moment they catch his ass, Joe has left. I
worried that the show was losing it's Gee Whiz moral center,
but Donna spent the whole show basically calling every boy
she hasn't slept with a good and decent person.
And, to boot, afterwards--Melrose. Melrose, as we
all now, isn't really worth discussing here. Anymore. But,
oh, how it harkens back to those golden days, when calling
anyone you knew between eight and ten on Wednesday was an
unbelievably foolish act. When they still vaselined the
lens, that it might look more softly upon Brenda, the
Leaves me with a sense of melancholy, though.
Everybody on Melrose could get shot or lobotomized at any
given time--the Series Finale could be a two-hour shot of a
pile of bodies. Small potatoes. A year and two weeks from
now, we will all be watching Clare and Kelly and Valerie and
Brandon and Steve and David (well, maybe not David--he may
soon depart for his, uh, serious musical career) and the
less significant others...graduating.
Graduating. I don't want to think about it. Oh, the
Subj: Late-Breaking Peach Pit
Date: 96-05-18 13:34:44 EDT
I long ago gave up watching the Scenes From Next
Week's Episode segment, lest I get all excited about
something that doesn't actually happen. This may fit into
the aforementioned scenario, but it's pretty
mindblowing--somebody confirm this for me--
Valerie exclaims "That's like Dylan and Brenda
getting back together!"
Footage of David and Donna smooching.
Someone please tell me the dope here; I haven't
slept since I heard about this.
This is good. Oh, this could be so very, very
Subj: Peach Pit Babylon
Date: 96-05-23 06:03:31 EDT
PEACH PIT BABYLON: THE RECKONING
Oh, where to begin?
Brenda and Dylan reunite, off camera! Andrea
returns! Donna and David Silver reunite in a most cautious
and intentional manner! Weird Crosseyed Clare chooses Steve
over a wealthy and charming figure from her past! Valerie
bags a foxy G-Man and sets herself on a mission to destroy
Kelly's happiness, insuring that next season will be a
stunning cat-and-mouse game of Keep Kelly And Brandon
And, most dumbfoundingly--Shrill Newspaper Girl and
Boring Cocaine Art Guy have left the building!
I'll have you know that I have a plane to catch at
7 am, and the Evil Powers of Spelling have kept me entirely
from sleeping beforehand. But who can complain?
Plus, the Goo Goo Dolls played "Name." I like
"Name", prom-song-of-the-millenium that it is. I used to
think that I liked the Goo Goo Dolls because, hey, anything
that sounds exactly like the Replacements can't be all that
bad. Now I know the real reason; the Goo Goo Dolls play
90210 Rock. A genre I can only aspire to. That, and that the
Goo Goo Dolls and I share a Product Manager at Warner
Bros.--a bond deeper than blood, I'll grant you, but not as
deep as the one I share with Ray Pruitt for appearing on
Beavis and Butthead.
Wow, I'm unsure what to say. What can I possibly
bitch about? I hooted and moaned throughout the entire
Glorious Two Hour Season Finale. As Bette Davis exclaimed in
*All About Eve*--"Fire! And Music!"
This is the first time I've ever heard a reference
to e-mail on 90210--and I'm peeved at the writers for
keeping Brenda from communicating with Steve on his
birthday. Why wouldn't she write back? She would at least be
aware that Kelly's emotional reaction would barely last past
the commercial break--come on. Five minutes pass and she's
all over Brandon. "I like your arm there," she coos at the
Last Walsh, as Colin is lead away by the cops and Valerie
hauls off with her Manly FBI Fella. Hiss, hiss.
Weirdly, though, the ghostly reappearance of Brenda
seems to have shot Valerie back to Dark Valeriehood; oh, how
chuffed am I! The seduction of the Gumshoe Hottie surely is
a sign of sluttishness to come. She darkened throughout the
episode, as the Kelly Feud intensified, as the delicious
banter deepened, as Brandon made more cheesy remarks about
how glad he was the experience had brought them
together--they seemed to bring the lights down on her,
further every time she appeared on screen. There's evil
brewing in them there gargantuan cheeks.
She knows what's coming--a bitter power struggle.
After all, the spot next to Brandon is where the power
broker sits on 90210, and Valerie can't get there. That
would be, like, Virtual Incest.
Funny, that really dumb Hillary Clinton joke
Brandon made early in the episode resonates more than it did
when I cringed as he said it. There were actually, loads of
strange remarks that hinted at the show's awareness of
itself--Kelly's blithe "Steve always lands in the roses,"
and Brandon's response, "That's why we love him." And, even
more chillingly, the You Invented Colin, No, You Invented
Colin exchange between Valerie and Kelly. I mean, they
actually said "invented." What's up with that?
I feared the worst as Donna poured
champagne--champagne! the Historically Antithetical To
Donnahood Beverage--on David Silver's head on the deck of
the boat. I feared that Donna's honor was in danger. As you
all realize, the demise of Donna's virginity is the demise
of 90210--the loss of the Innocent Core. I was composing an
obituary in my head--It's Over! It's Over! Doom! Doom!
Woe!--to run in this column, as Donna put her head on David
Silver's shoulder. But--faithless me--David Silver is far
too manly to let Donna go out like that, despite the fact
that a graceless and ungrateful Brian Austin Green is always
kvetching about wanting to leave the show to the press--I
tell you, if he busts her holy Spelling cherry and then
takes off to do TV Movies for the rest of his life, I will
personally slay him. But this time, damn, he came through.
Willya look at those Manly Shoulders? Willya?
Somebody ought to do a compilation reel of Donna's
Weird Jerky Movements At The Ends Of Scenes. Really peculiar
stuff--sudden head-twitches and thumbs-ups and Pee Wee
Herman noises and whatnot. I suppose the accumulated sexual
tension accounts for that, if not her general
The episode oddly shrugged off Andrea's return. The
camera suspensefully followed her feet on her entrance, but
when they panned up to her face, it was as if the cameraman
thought; Wow, is she old-lookin', or what? And all but
ignored her from then on.
Little interaction with Brandon from her, which
angers all that knew her as the Smart Girl That Brandon
Always Goes For in the golden age. I mean, we loved Andrea
for that, didn't we? And like she'd come back just to say
whassup to Steve Sanders. Come on. Personally, her talk show
killed all remaining sentiment for me, and the whole time
she was onscreen I was going, Yeah, yeah, get out of the
way, maybe Donna'll make one of those weird movements again,
but I was nonetheless distressed.
Perhaps Brandon was afraid that if he spoke too
much to Andrea, he'd be obligated to grow back that Early
Nineties Hockey Player Hair, that Beautiful Flowing Neck
Cape he used to have.
Not enough feistiness from The Weird Crosseyed One,
I'm afraid--even her hair was less freaky this time around.
Clare, Clare, With The Freaky Hair--I know you're rocking
about Veronica from the Archies, or what's-her-name from
Josie and the Pussycats. Though, were they actually trying
to recreate that Evil-Girl-Wears-A-Strange-White-Streak
thing, it'd be The Ominous Jowly One whose hair would be
getting freakier with every commercial.
Also--the episode took place almost entirely on a
ship. No Love Boat references? Admittedly, I'm relieved
whenever a particularly obvious piece of gratingly corny
Brandon-quipping doesn't happen, but this was sort of a
Now that we're all pleased about Colin being thrown
handcuffed into a cop car as Kelly and Valerie glare at him,
and Brandon's admirably unsentimental goodbye to Susan the
Skinny Uninteresting Andrea Wannabe, maybe we ought to turn
to the serious issue at hand--what are they doing about
second-string characters next season?
Look, they're gonna need them--Donna and David
Silver feuding is gonna be a blissful subplot all its own,
but Valerie needs to get some, and, dammit, Steve and Clare
have to break up before this thing's through. Here's hoping
they get better ones than this season's--meaning, ones that
are more satisfying to actively hate.
Because--and I tell you this solemnly--Brandon and
Kelly are gonna be married at the end of next season. It
would be dishonorable for me to hate the Bride of Walsh,
and, frankly, Jennie Garth is rumoured to be the one cast
member that owns a Soul Coughing record. It'd be nice to
embrace Kelly at last--nobody scoff in disbelief or I'll
slap you--but, I have to concur with Randy "Who Put Kelly
Through The Ugly Machine?" K., that perhaps a new hairstyle
wouldn't be a terrible thing.
For now, though, Kelly Taylor has yet to earn my
respect. I'm going to be landing in London at 4:30 pm
eastern standard time. And I will, of course, be running
madly through the streets of the ancient British capital,
yelling, "Brenda! Dylan! Where are you! Come back! *Kelly
has to be stopped!*"